***This is a non-nail polish post. This is a venting post. If you don't like LONG emotional babble you'll want to pass this one up***
I've found this stage in my life to be really trying. I find the most difficult part of this stage in my life is how to present yourself to the world authentically. I've gone through phases growing up where I've been stepped on and cast aside as invisible. I also used to blame everyone else for my issues, never taking responsibility for my own actions. I was great at playing the victim role. I was a great complainer and all around negative person. What possible good comes from this? Nothing.
Thankfully, I grew out of that. I'm quick to take responsibility for my actions. I feel in conflict everyone plays a role, and there is no one right or wrong person. I also try to find the innocence in people, rather than hold grudges. I try to look inside a person who may do something I find wrong or unattractive, and understand why they would do that. I try to be compassionate.
Though these are all great things I've learned, but I've turned these things against me. I'm so hyper-vigilant in how I deal with people,situations, and conflict that I end up losing a part of myself in it all. I never want to say the wrong thing, say too much, not say enough, not hurt anyone's feelings, be misunderstood, seem attention seeking and etc. I want to be this person full of integrity and loyalty, that if I even remotely stray away from it. I cast myself as villain.
It's completely irrational but that's how I feel. If I do something slightly wrong I'm ready to be burned at the stake. I'm not allowed to make mistakes. I also personalize things when they are not personal. I assume people are thinking the worst of me, and I need to prove to people that I'm worthy. I end up overcompensating with people trying to remedy non-existent situations and non-existent feelings they have for me, where I end up making situations 10 times worse. Self-fulfilling prophecy much?
I also have this "I need everyone to like me" crap that I know is ridiculous, but whenever someone misunderstands me or doesn't like me it really devastates me. There are times when I'm sad and my feelings are hurt, and I bottle it up because I don't want to seem like a drama queen. Then there are times that I bottle things up so much, I explode and make an ass out of myself. How do vary between the extremes? When is it ok to be outspoken? When is it best to keep quiet? I feel so stifled sometimes from being myself because I'm trying so hard to accommodate everyone else's feelings. This probably makes me come off fake, which kills me.
I sound like a mental case here. I know. I can say that a lot of pressures put on me as a kid really gave me this warped sense of reality that everyone is judging every move you make and if you screw up you better be ashamed of yourself. I know a lot of this is symptom of have an anxiety disorder. I have this awful streak of perfectionism. I know it's ironic since this blog is "imperfect", but that's exactly why I made it so. I try to make this blogging experience something free of the thing I struggle the most with. I'm thankful for the most part I have.
I'd like to think there are others out there who struggle with similar things, which is why I'm posting this. I also know I am my biggest critic. Majority if not all of this stuff I impose on myself. If it was anyone else I'd tell them "you're human you're not perfect"! Why do I hold myself to a different standard? I think my lesson from this is I need to open up more. It's ok to release this crap, otherwise I get to this point where I'm writing you a novel. :)
Anyways, thanks for listening. If any of you struggle with this too and want to share your experiences or if anyone has any advice. I'd really greatly appreciate it.