Monday, June 6, 2011

Turbulent 20's Ramble

***This is a non-nail polish post. This is a venting post. If you don't like LONG emotional babble you'll want to pass this one up***

I've found this stage in my life to be really trying. I find the most difficult part of this stage in my life is how to present yourself to the world authentically. I've gone through phases growing up where I've been stepped on and cast aside as invisible. I also used to blame everyone else for my issues, never taking responsibility for my own actions. I was great at playing the victim role. I was a great complainer and all around negative person. What possible good comes from this? Nothing.

Thankfully, I grew out of that. I'm quick to take responsibility for my actions. I feel in conflict everyone plays a role, and there is no one right or wrong person. I also try to find the innocence in people, rather than hold grudges. I try to look inside a person who may do something I find wrong or unattractive, and understand why they would do that. I try to be compassionate.

Though these are all great things I've learned, but I've turned these things against me. I'm so hyper-vigilant in how I deal with people,situations, and conflict that I end up losing a part of myself in it all. I never want to say the wrong thing, say too much, not say enough, not hurt anyone's feelings, be misunderstood, seem attention seeking and etc. I want to be this person full of integrity and loyalty, that if I even remotely stray away from it. I cast myself as villain.

It's completely irrational but that's how I feel. If I do something slightly wrong I'm ready to be burned at the stake. I'm not allowed to make mistakes. I also personalize things when they are not personal. I assume people are thinking the worst of me, and I need to prove to people that I'm worthy. I end up overcompensating with people trying to remedy non-existent situations and non-existent feelings they have for me, where I end up making situations 10 times worse. Self-fulfilling prophecy much?

I also have this "I need everyone to like me" crap that I know is ridiculous, but whenever someone misunderstands me or doesn't like me it really devastates me. There are times when I'm sad and my feelings are hurt, and I bottle it up because I don't want to seem like a drama queen. Then there are times that I bottle things up so much, I explode and make an ass out of myself. How do vary between the extremes? When is it ok to be outspoken? When is it best to keep quiet? I feel so stifled sometimes from being myself because I'm trying so hard to accommodate everyone else's feelings. This probably makes me come off fake, which kills me.

I sound like a mental case here. I know. I can say that a lot of pressures put on me as a kid really gave me this warped sense of reality that everyone is judging every move you make and if you screw up you better be ashamed of yourself. I know a lot of this is symptom of have an anxiety disorder.  I have this awful streak of perfectionism. I know it's ironic since this blog is "imperfect", but that's exactly why I made it so. I try to make this blogging experience something free of the thing I struggle the most with. I'm thankful for the most part I have.

I'd like to think there are others out there who struggle with similar things, which is why I'm posting this. I also know I am my biggest critic. Majority if not all of this stuff I impose on myself. If it was anyone else I'd tell them "you're human you're not perfect"! Why do I hold myself to a different standard? I think my lesson from this is I need to open up more. It's ok to release this crap, otherwise I get to this point where I'm writing you a novel. :)

Anyways, thanks for listening. If any of you struggle with this too and want to share your experiences or if anyone has any advice. I'd really greatly appreciate it.

22 comments:

  1. I hear ya!  I'm almost 26 and being in yoru 20's is definitely trying.  I find that what helps me is to take a step back from any situation where I am upset or hurt at someone and I think to myself "how would I respond the best if they came to me and told me this" and try to approach the situation that way.  The WORST thing is when you go to someone and go into attack mode and say "you did this to me and now I'm mad/sad/upset."  Always better to say 'I feel upset because of xyz and I'd like to talk about it so we can work it out."

    As for wanting everyone to like you, I used to be like that until I realized that I don't like everyone and it's ok.  If people like you for who you are, then great, but no need to try to get teh whole world to love you!

    As to holding yourself higher, we all do it because we want to be the best we can, but just remind yourself that it's ok to make mistakes and it's also ok to ask for help if you need it!

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  2. Story of my life sister.  All I can say I guess is hang tough.  OR Find somebody who is non-objective to talk to.  Someone who you either don't know well enough to be biased, or that will be brutally honest.  It will put things into prospective better than anything because you know they're telling you the truth.

    Stay strong!  

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  3. You're not alone at all, these are the same things I've talked about loads of times on my personal blog.  I've learned over the years that most women I know feel the same way.. I'm not sure why we are so hard on ourselves but you are definitely not alone.  I think every age bracket brings along a new set of insecurities and issues.  I am in my mid 30's now and I remember my 20's being difficult but now I'd give anything to go back there haha

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  4. Right there with you, definitely.

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  5. Been there, done that. I've always held myself to a different standard and if I didn't meet it, I would beat myself up over it. I've also tried to please others and wanted everyone to like me.  We are not perfect and not everyone is going to like us for their own reason just like we don't like certain people. I've learned that in order to make others happy, you have to make yourself happy first. Weird I know, but it's the truth. I'm 25 but about 2 years ago I was not happy and miserable which wasn't good because I have a 2 year old. I realized I had to change things (ex-get out my bad relationship) and when I did I realized the relationship I was in was a complete lie. Sometimes you have to step outside the situation to see what's really going on. I'm here for you if you ever need someone to talk to.

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  6. LetthemhavepolishJune 6, 2011 at 12:45 PM

    Know that you are not alone in all those feelings. Right there with you. But better to vent than to hold it all in love!

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  7. I see myself in every little thing you just put down in this post. People-pleaser, wanting everyone to like me. When I make a mistake or do something wrong I feel really bad about it, I even get all sweaty and stuff, blaming myself I made ANOTHER mistake, even though it's something so small or something that is out of my control. You are not alone girl! 

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  8. Exactly! It's so frustrating because you go straight to blaming yourself. I don't know why we are so hard on ourselves but is sucks. It's emotionally exhausting too.

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  9. Thanks! :)

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  10. I'm glad you were able to take yourself out of a negative situation to better yourself. You're right, I think I get so invested in beating myself up over things that I don't think of things rationally. It would be help to just "stop" and look at things from the outside. I never would be as hard on myself as I am on myself. Thanks for the advice. :)

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  11. Thanks, it stinks, but it's nice to know you're not alone.

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  12. You're so right about your age and bringing on different insecurities. It's interesting how we learn and grow a lot over the years, but it brings up some other challenges that we need to tackle. Life is definitely a learning process, and it's tiring. It's also rewarding though because without a lot of the challenges I face I know I probably wouldn't have a lot of qualities I most admire about myself now.

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  13. Thanks! You're definitely right, I do find some people confide in who really acknowledge and understand me. It's difficult though when you're caught up in a moment when one of those people isn't around. I think that's why people tell you to journal your feelings. :P

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  14. You're exactly right. I think that's one of the lessons I've learned that stuck. It's always best to approach things from point where you are open and honest about feelings rather than aggressively. Nothing good comes from attack mode. I think it's difficult for me to feel comfortable confiding in people and being completely honest, in fear of people judging me.

    It's funny, I don't like some people either, but it's different when someone doesn't like you. You can't please everyone, so hopefully I'll eventually just say f*** it! Thanks for the advice and listening!

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  15. Kinda like blogging, right?  :)

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  16. Aww, I just entered my twenties (21) and I actually am finding this stage of my life where I am becoming more confident in who I am and I no longer feel the need to apologize for thinking about myself (being selfish when needed lol)... Don't try and please everyone (which is what i use to do ALOT) all it leads to is you draining your energy that can be used towards yourself... But as the one below me sed, you are NOT alone :)

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  17. Caroline-GoodlacknailJune 6, 2011 at 5:00 PM

    Hey! I gotta say what you describe here is called being human! Why would you try to be something else? I mean some people won'tlike you but then there are people who will-assuming everyone would like you with all your strength and flaws, you would never have time left for yourself, because you'd have to be social 24/7! To me it seems you are very loyal and integer because you stand by your doubts and you're self-reflecting which are characteristics of a grown-up person. I'm convinced that self-reflection on that level you've been posting on today is a sign that you actually already know which way you're going in life, you just have to take all the energy that's inside you and be brave enough to say it out loud. What helps me is read the poem the road not taken by Robert frost :)
    Good luck my dear!

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  18. Oh honey, this sounds so familiar that I swear a few years ago I could have written it myself.

    The things you describe aren't easy to conquer. We all want to be loved and seen as this amazing, in control, wonderful loyal person but it's just not always possible. You ARE human with emotions and ups and downs and you have every right to feel everything that you are feeling.

    Taking responsibility for your actions and the things that happen around you is an awesome start and it just proves that you're on the right track. The best thing that I can suggest to you is to try harder to listen to yourself. Not the negative voice in your head that tells you that you're doing something wrong or that you aren't good enough - but your REAL self. Your soul is hiding deep down in there somewhere and it loves you and wants you to be happy. It will always encourage and congratulate and the more you learn to listen to it, the less you'll hear the nasty inner monologue that makes you feel less than perfect.

    Remember that while it is noble to do what's best for others and that we should always help out where we can, you have to remember to love and help yourself too. You can't truly love others unless you love yourself first.

    <3

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  19. Thank you so much Kaz, for this very thoughtful advice. I really appreciate it. :) <3

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  20. Thank you so much Caroline. I definitely am proud of my awareness level I think that is something that does serve me well. I sincerely appreciate all the wonderful comments I'm getting today. It's encouraging to know that it's ok to be me flaws and all. I will check out that Robert Frost poem tonight.

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  21. Thanks Audra. It is VERY draining. It's not healthy on the mind or body that's for sure. It's definitely a learning process, but I know I'll come out on top. Thanks for the encouragement.

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  22. Steph, not only will there be people that don't like you (as well as those you don't like, and that's perfectly alright), there will be people whom you don't WANT to like you...or wouldn't if you knew them better. Listen to your instincts, they will almost never, ever lead you wrong. You can't please all of the people all of the time because they don't ever all want the same thing, and often some of them want things that are just plain wrong for you. When you feel that urge to be harsh on yourself, or stifle your feelings, ask yourself 'If >fill in the name of someone you love< had done this, or if they were being treated this way, would I feel they were less for it? Would I stand back and allow it to happen without speaking up?' If the answer is NO, then you speak right up for yourself (and tell that negative, little voice to STHU).

    I found when I was in my mid-20's that the way I learned to stand up for me was to start by standing up for others. In allowing myself to express negative opinions and anger on behalf of others when I felt they were being wronged, I became braver about standing up for myself. I realized that I have the same right to be treated decently and with respect that I think everyone else deserves.

    As far as worrying about what people are thinking of you...there will always be people who make false judgments off mistaken impressions, or people that just don't hold the same values that we do. You don't really want or need the approval of those kind of people, especially the second group. You will find as you get older that there are some people out there that you just can't like. It's normal. You treat them politely if you are required to interact, Then move on. Some people really aren't likable, and sometimes you may find yourself getting along with someone no one else likes. That's OK too (well, unless you want to marry them, that's a whole new can of worms, lol). You can't control what others do and think, but as long as you treat everyone you come into contact with with basic respect, you can't go wrong kiddo. From what I've read here, you're right on track.

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