Wednesday, July 6, 2011

Turning a new leaf

*Warning this is a personal, non- nail polish related post. If you don't want hear about personal stuff random babble, you may want to skip this one*

I mentioned on Twitter last night, that today would be difficult for me. I never intended to really open up on this blog about my personal life, but I find it therapeutic in many ways. I've been in therapy, for the past few months. I've actually been in and out of therapy my entire life, but I've finally found a great therapist.  I've dealt with severe anxiety, depression, and self esteem issues probably since I was 3 years old.

I've been trying to figure out where all this stuff comes from, and I'm come to the realization that a lot of this has resulted from experiences as I had a little kid and teenager. Nothing absolutely horrible happened to me, but I had grandparents, family friends, and peers in my life really make me feel bad about myself continually. I got really terrible messages from people who were supposed to love me, and I had no idea it was wrong. Since, I didn't understand it was wrong, I took it as fact, and that I was worthless and inadequate because so many people made me feel this way. The only safe haven for me was my parents. I'm so immensely grateful for them because they were the only normalcy, love, and authenticity I experienced with people in my life growing up.  It's finally now that I'm able to recognize and become aware of these experiences and how damaging and painful they were. I feel like a lot of these negative feelings I have about myself have held me back from so much in life.

Today was my first EMDR session in therapy. It sounds cooky, but it involves following a therapist fingers  and recalling feelings and emotions from traumatic event in order to process through them effectively, so you become neutral to them.  I was really skeptical and scared about it, but honestly it worked. I was able take one event in my life, fully process through it, and it didn't seem so painful after. The process is interesting, and very hard to explain. In ways you experience a lot of intense feelings and emotions in a short amount of time, and as you continue to process it becomes less painful, you feel powerful versus powerless, and you get this amazing release. That's the best way to explain it, but I was so scared it would be too intense to think about these instances again, but in away it was soothing.

I'm thrilled, and it feels so good to start truly feeling that I'm deserving in this life. There are other EMDR sessions I'll have that target other events,but to get so much relief from one sessions is unbelievable. I've been living with this for 20+ years, and I'm less than 2 weeks from 25. It's so time for this, and it fills me with so much positivity for my future. I'm starting to feel free from all this negativity that I've been plagued with, and it feels great.

I just wanted to share what was going on with me. Thank you all for listening, and do truly appreciate all of you! This blog has been so positive and fun for me. My blog has been my refuge away from perfection in my life. It's now time to embrace the "imperfectness" in my real life.  :)

<3 <3 <3

49 comments:

  1. Good for you! It takes courage to finally confront things from the past and even more to write about it on a forum like this. Keep up the good work with yourself and with the blog!

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  2. I'm glad you're better now!!
    You mustn't other bring you down ^^
    Keep up like that!

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  3. LetthemhavepolishJuly 6, 2011 at 2:23 PM

    Wow Steph. I really admire you for opening up to us like that. I hope that this new therapy continues working for you. I wish you the best because you seem like an amazing person. 

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  4. I am really happy that you choose to share this side of you with us. I know that we all like to make it seem like our lives are full of glitter & sunshine and polish, but we all know they are not. You're an awesome person and I am really glad we're friends through this. I am happy you have found some happiness & relief in your life <3

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  5. Oh Steph! *hugs* It's very courageous to be able to write about this. I'm so glad to hear about your session, and how well it went for you - you deserve all the positive reinforcement, you're such a lovely person! <3 

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  6. Allison LichtenbergJuly 6, 2011 at 2:34 PM

    *hugs* You can do it! I hope you stat seeing great changes soon!

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  7. That is so good to hear, Stephanie!!  I can only imagine how intense those sessions must be, but the end result definitely sound worth it.  I hope this therapy does the trick for you.

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  8. Steph I totally get where you are coming from, I've been in and out of therapy my whole childhood but I haven't really gotten much out of it so I'm glad to hear that you are.  I can imagine these EMDR sessions are overwhelming so just take them one at a time and you will get through it =)

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  9. I glad to hear it's working out for you. As I always say, baby steps are the way to go. I can relate- when I was younger, I was teased which caused low self-esteem. But I learned from it and it doesn't affect me now. It's brave of you to post this.  Keep up the good work.

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  10. Aw Steph. (((hug))) I am so glad to hear that your sessions are working so well for you, helping you get through things and feel good. You deserve it, you know. I hope it helps you find joy and peace in your life and in yourself. :)

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  11. Congrats on finding a method that works for you.  I have never been able to do that.  My bad feeling always came (in the same way as yours) from my dad.  My friends are my support.  I've always wanted to go back into therapy but can't afford.  I am SO HAPPY that you are feeling better.  I hope this continues to help you in your journey :) 

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  12. this is so great.  im so happy for you.  i had a rough childhood as well and had the same feelings of inadequacy and i know how tough and taxing it is.  congrats to you on overcoming.

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  13. Mandy McCulloughJuly 6, 2011 at 7:07 PM

    Hey Steph! I'm a relatively new "follower" to your blog, but I just wanted to say congratulations on the progress you're making! 

    My mother is the best person in the world at making me feel like I'm the absolute shittiest excuse for a daughter.. even though I know I'm not. But I'm an only child, so it gets hard and frustrating. Believe me when I say you're not alone in having ever felt imperfect and inadequate. I'm sure you realize this, but I just wanted to reiterate it. :)Again, congratulations on finding a method that is working for you and for embracing your life the way it is. Also, I just wanted to take the time to say that I love your blog!

    Cheers to your continued successes! ♥

    -- Mandy

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  14. Hey Steph! I'm a relatively new "follower" to your blog, but I just wanted to say congratulations on the progress you're making! 

    My mother is the best person in the world at making me feel like I'm the absolute shittiest excuse for a daughter.. even though I know I'm not. But I'm an only child, so it gets hard and frustrating. Believe me when I say you're not alone in having ever felt imperfect and inadequate. I'm sure you realize this, but I just wanted to reiterate it. :)Again, congratulations on finding a method that is working for you and for embracing your life the way it is. Also, I just wanted to take the time to say that I love your blog!

    Cheers to your continued successes! ♥

    -- Mandy

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  15. Congrats on finding something that really helps you. I recently decided to go get help for depression (been like this since middle school and I'm almost 25 now) and I can tell a huge difference in my overall mood. Things will definitely from here for you! :)

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  16. So glad for the positive session and breakthrough that you had during your session. I pray that you continue to make progress as you learn to embrace yourself just as the way you're supposed to be at this point in time. While this post may not have had anything to do with polish, you never know how reading this could've made a positive impact on someone else's life and the struggles they are dealing with.

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  17. Thank you. :)

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  18. Thank you, Cris. I really appreciate it. :)

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  19. Thank you for these kind words Elizabeth. It is definitely difficult, because I don't like to bring some of the not so great things that go on in my life into this blog. My life isn't all nail polish and glitter, and I think it is healing for me to share this stuff with others. <3

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  20. Thank you :). It means a lot.

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  21. Thanks <3

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  22. It is! It isn't easy, and even after these sessions things do pop up. It's a process, but I'm glad that I'm working through it. A process that takes a few weeks or months is so worth it after years of BS! :P

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  23. I totally understand. I've been going through that road for so long. I could accomplish a lot of things, but the negative feelings were still there, and did not go away. I'm glad that I think I've finally discovered the thing that will help me resolve this. I hope you can find peace of mind soon yourself. *hugs*.

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  24. Thank you Wendy. I'm glad those feelings don't affect you anymore, I'm hope I'm on that path! :)

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  25. Thank you :). I really appreciate it. It's good to be able to see all these kind words from you and others and start to really believe them. It's always been difficult to take compliments and support, but I deserve them. :)

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  26. You are a brave and insightful woman. I do know about EMDR. I didn't know there was anyone doing this around here. I wonder if they know, or do, EMT as well.

    We'll talk! ((HUGS))

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  27. Thank you. I truly know how difficult it is to deal with negative emotions and bad feelings they get engrained in you. I truly hope you find peace of mind soon. <3

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  28. Thank you, though it's not nice to know you've shared similar experiences, it is comforting to know that so many of us share them. It often times feels so lonely, but we're not alone. <3

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  29. Thank you Mandy for your comments. What you shared with me here, I can completely relate to except for me it was my grandmother. It's always good to know you're not alone even though neither of us deserved to feel the way these people in our lives made us feel. A lot of this junk makes you feel so alone, it's comforting to you're not. Thank you again for all your kind words. <3

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  30. Thank you, Lakeisha. I hope so, I always would worry these posts would make me look crazy or turn people of to me, I realize that many of us can relate, maybe not to the same experiences but to the feelings. Negative feelings can make you feel so alone, and it's good to know that you're not. I hope this will help others who maybe struggling find comfort in that.

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  31. Thanks <3

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  32. It's my pleasure. My dad's parents were also the most unsupportive grandparents ever. My grandmother once told me she was positive I was an illegitimate child in front of my mother and the rest of our family (minus my dad, of course). I was 12 at the time. And that's just one little incident... Ha ha.

    Thankfully, my mom's parents were the best grandparents I could have ever asked for. I just think it's ironic how my mom channels my dad's grandparents. But, I suppose that's what makes life interesting, right?

    You're right. A lot of the time this stuff CAN make you feel alone, and I'm so glad you decided to share part of your story because it reminds us that we aren't. ♥

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  33. This was actually my mother's parents. My dad's mother was the polar opposite full of love, unfortunately she lived in Atlanta, and I grew up in Texas. The only family I had around me was my mother's dysfunctional family. I'm going to send you an email I have feeling we have a lot in common with this stuff.

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  34. Fabulous! I sent my personal email to you in a direct message on Twitter. Also, I live in Atlanta! What a small world. :)

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  35. So proud of you Steph! Congratulations on your breakthrough and I hope everything continues to go well for you , you deserve it!

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  36. People go through stages like this in their life. I have been through therapy too because people that are close to me saying I'm worthless all the time, even my parents. I take it in myself and start feeling depress. Now I still doubt myself. Even though people didn't say anything but I can hear their inside voice saying I'm that worthless. I hope we both can get through that stage and become a brand new person!

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  37. It's very brave of you to deal with things instead of try and hide from them, and to share it on your blog. Be proud of yourself! I hope this therapy keeps helping you like it did now and I'm wishing you all the best from now on *hugs*

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  38. Finished10dnailsJuly 7, 2011 at 9:54 AM

    Good for you!  You are very strong to do this!

    Thank you for your blog - I enjoy each and every post!

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  39. I'm happy for you that you are working through these issues.. just think of the freedom of choices that is opening up for you and will continue for the rest of your life!  that's awesome :)

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  40. I am so happy that you are feeling better now! :*

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  41. !! !thanks for sharing your stuggles. It's very brave of you! Makes people feel like they are not alone! I'm glad that treatment is working out for you. :-D. I guess we just have to keep going! :0D many hugs and kisses for you! XOXO i heart you and your blog girly. 

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  42. It's actually really inspiring to see that you are willing to face your negative feelings like that, I'm not sure  that I would be able to do that no matter how negative those feelings were. Good luck with the EMDR sessions, I hope we can keep in touch outside the blogging world..seems like we have a lot in common =)

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  43. Thank you for sharing this part of your life with us. I too have experienced a lot of trauma in my childhood and young adult life so I can understand the feelings of helplessness and unworthiness that follow you into your adult life. It is a continual process but it is amazing what therapy and having someone to talk to that genuinely cares about you experience can do to uplift your spirit and overall well-being. *hugs*

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  44. Thank you for sharing this part of your life with us. I too have
    experienced a lot of trauma in my childhood and young adult life so I
    can understand the feelings of helplessness and unworthiness that follow
    you into your adult life. It is a continual process but it is amazing
    what therapy and having someone to talk to that genuinely cares about
    you experience can do to uplift your spirit and overall well-being. *hugs*

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  45. I'm glad that you posted this. It takes a lot of inner courage to do so, and it will help many people who read it. Thank you for sharing your struggles and accomplishments with us. :)
    - Mary

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  46. So glad to see you're helping yourself! I'm a therapist myself and wish I could get trained in EMDR but it's so expensive and you need to meet all sorts of requirements to attend the training. Ecstatic that it worked for you <3

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  47. Hey Steph, I just found your blog and absolutely love it! I love the honesty and 'realness' of it. I'm so glad the EMDR is helping... it sounds really interesting! I had the same kind of experiences growing up and have only just started to process how it has affected me and my self esteem. Keep working through it, you seem like a beautiful person who deserves to be happy :) xx Em

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